| May. 12th, 2006 @ 05:39 pm While I was gone... |
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My internet was down for like 3 weeks. I'm gonna sum everything up for ya'll.
-I had to put my dog to sleep a week ago at 4:00 AM at an emergency vet's office when she woke us up at 3:00 AM and she was really sick.
-Randy is in jail. I'm going to help get all his stuff out of his apartment with Ricky cause he won't be able to pay for the apartment down here when he gets out.
-I'm moving to Kissimmee in about a month. I'm going up for 4 days this weekend and 4 days next weekend. Final preparations and stuff.
-So goodbye everyone down here.
-If you feel like seeing me before I go, get in touch with me. I won't be back often.
-Soccer is going well. All the teams want me to be their goalie :D. In this league, you're allowed to sub-in goalies and stuff. yays.
-My parents situation sucks. My mom and dad aren't talking. So I'm in the middle. And I'm fucking stressed out.
-Work is going well.
-I had a 12 hour long panic/anxiety attack last thursday that my anti-anxiety meds didn't help. So I slept all day friday, saturday, and sunday, but I had another panic attack Saturday morning at like 5 AM, that lasted a few hours. I'm fucking exhausted.
-The coke use has stopped. I had my fun.
-I hardly even smoke weed anymore. And when I do, it's not a lot.
-I found that I kind of like being sober. At least for the time being.
-My mom has pneumonia, bronchitis, a sinus infection, and asthma from all her cigarette smoking. Fucking gross. And I have to deal with her.
-My throwing up after eating thing started again cause I gained a little weight. Eh. Oh well.
-I haven't been cutting myself *only* because I promised Val I wouldn't. And it's fucking HARD not to. Kinda feels good to not see 10 inches of flesh covered in fresh red cuts 24/7.
-My mom yelled at me for not having sympathy for her. I do. I cater to her every need right now, cause she is really sick. But go ahead and shoot me because I don't have a huge grin on my face all the time. She has no idea what I'm going through right now. Neither do you guys. She can't know. Neither can you. But I'm coping. But I'm not going to get fucking yelled at for not having enough sympathy when I'm doing as much as I fucking can.
-It doesn't sound like there are any barns in the area where I'm planning on moving to. That could seriously fuck up my life.
-I'm terrified of the future. My stomach has been a complete wreck lately.
-Been crying a lot...randomly. I don't really feel like doing much. It takes every ounce of energy to get out and do my shit.
-Threw up blood the other day. I think it was because my fingernail scratched my throat though, thats why I had a sore throat for twoish days.
-Got back in touch with Christine. Yay.
-Liz and Ali rock. I found a really good friend in Liz. FINALLY, someone who completely understands me, and helps me, without trying to make her problems seem worse than mine. And I am there for her in the same way.
-I should have known that I made a stupid decision dating Matt. He really is a crazy sex fiend. I feel kind of used. And he'll never understand that I wasn't as bad as he thought I was. Like every fucking thing was my fault. Oooooh pot is so scary. Oh noes. Scary pot. Just because it's illegal. Yeah, well, dipshit, I'm not stupid about smoking. I haven't even come close to having a run in with the cops. And for you information, Mr. Almost College Dropout, I will probably go farther in life than you. Deal with it. I have a job, I'm moving out and going to SUPPORT MYSELF WITHOUT MOMMY AND DADDY, I'm going to college in the fall, and fuck you.
-I wish my friend Jessie actually cared enough to give me back my computer game. Because it's mine. Simple as that.
-Cat, I have the dog food and dog feeder for ya, whenever you want it. :)
-Valerie's (my best friend) dad is really sick and I worry about that a lot. I can't imagine what would happen to her if things get worse.
-I feel like a fat cow. I'm determined to get back down to 115, and do anything it takes.
-I can't wait to runaway tomorrow. 5 days out of this life. 5 days to be someone else.
-I'm changing my name to an androgenous name when I move. I'm thinking Alex. What do you think?
-"You can no longer quit when you feel like it, Amie. If you haven't realized that yet then you're already so much more gone than I thought. I'm done fighting with you, you sicken me like nothing else. You twist actions like I twist words, and it tears me apart every time (as I'm sure I do to you). Please, please, please, help yourself. Your reason for giving up will not come along, not because of guys' interests in drugs, or friends, or any of those reasons. When whatever it is you've been looking for comes your drugs will never let you grasp it. Make your own choices, but I can only respect one." Matt wrote that about me. Who the fuck is he to say this. Blah, blah, blah. Bullshit.
To sum it all up, I'm losing my mind. No one understands me. No one wants to. No body cares that I've changed. No body cares that all in all, I'm doing okay and accomplishing my goals. No one has faith in me, and I'm losing faith in myself. But I know I'll come out on top. And I'll come out better than half of the kids that actually graduated highschool. The kids that went to college and dropped out. The kids that didn't deal with being sick for 7 years of their life. I know everyone else has their problems, and I'm not saying that I'm so much worse off than everyone. I just wish people could see the good in me and realize that I'm still Amie. But thats going to change anyways. I'm picking up a new name up there. I'm picking up my new life. And I'm going to forget everyone in Boca that doesn't want to remember me.
I'm so lost. But I'm about to find a new me. |
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sweet_bane's journal
Rainbows are perdy.
Confuzzed
Hopeful...
Ecstatic
SexuallyDeprived
Depressed and shit.
Icy.
Broken but ready to be rebuilt